Three Levels of Dominance
Mastering the Balance Between Taking, Leading, and Deep Presence
By Paul Meyers • 7 min read • ENGLISH
By Paul Meyers • 7 min read • ENGLISH
Dominance is a journey. Not a straight path, not a rigid set of rules, but a constant balancing act between different states of being. There is no final destination, no perfect level to reach where you never slip, never shift, never return to earlier patterns. Instead, there is only awareness — the ability to recognize where you are in any given moment and choose your approach consciously.
For a long time, I thought dominance was about control. Then I thought it was about guidance. And finally, I discovered something deeper — a way of leading that wasn’t about force or over-correction, but about presence, about energy, about the natural pull of surrender.
I have lived in all three levels. I still move between them. And looking back, I can see how my own childhood wounds shaped my approach to dominance at different points in my life. Each level has its purpose, its strengths, and its pitfalls.
For many, including myself, the first experience of dominance is rooted in control. There is a rawness to it — a directness, an unapologetic certainty. It is ego-centered, but that is not inherently a bad thing. At this level, dominance is about knowing what you want and taking it without hesitation.
For me, control wasn’t just about power — it was about safety.
I grew up in an environment where vulnerability was dangerous. Where keeping control meant keeping myself from getting hurt. So, when I discovered dominance, it felt natural to be the one holding the reins. I took what I wanted, I dictated the pace, I kept my grip on every moment, every reaction, every shift in energy. Because if I was in control, I couldn’t be caught off guard. If I was the one leading, then no one could lead me into something painful.
Imagine a scene where a Dominant has their partner bound, fully exposed, waiting for what comes next. Every movement is intentional, every word is a command, every action is taken without hesitation. The submissive follows, obeys, but beneath their compliance, something is missing — a deeper surrender, a complete letting go. The Dominant is in charge, but not truly connected.
This was me in Level 1. I was fully in control, but I wasn’t yet aware.
The shadow side of Level 1 is that too much control can become suffocating. If a Dominant holds onto control too tightly, they can mentally cage their partner, creating a dynamic where submission is no longer a choice, but an expectation. The moment a submissive feels they must obey, rather than want to obey, the energy shifts. What started as dominance turns into ownership, and that can kill the natural flow of surrender.
Control can create compliance, but compliance is not the same as surrender. And in my need to stay protected, I was missing something deeper — something I wouldn’t discover until I began to let go of control myself.
At some point, my perspective shifted. I started to realize that submission wasn’t just about what I wanted — it was about what we created together. I began paying attention to my partner’s experience, tuning into their desires, their needs, their responses. I wanted them to feel fully seen, fully held, fully satisfied.
And so, I became a giver.
But in doing so, I began to overcorrect.
I thought the best kind of dominance was about making my partner’s experience perfect. I focused so much on reading them, adjusting to them, making sure they were comfortable, aroused, and engaged that I startedlosing myself in the process.
Looking back, I now see that this was my childhood wounds playing out again — just in a different way. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be validated. I wanted to be the kind of Dominant that gave so much that my partner would never leave, never doubt me, never question if I was enough.
Imagine a scene where a Dominant carefully guides their submissive through a slow, intimate session. Every movement is adjusted based on their reactions, every command is softened by the need to check in, to make sure it’s okay, to ensure they’re enjoying it. There’s connection, there’s care—but there’s also a hesitation, a constant need for reassurance.
This was me in Level 2. I wasn’t controlling anymore, but I wasn’t fully leading either. I was leading through the lens of external validation, making sure I was “good enough” rather than simply being.
The shadow side of Level 2 is the ego. When dominance is driven by the need for validation, it becomes fragile. If a submissive does not respond the way the Dominant hopes — if they are less expressive, if they hesitate, if they don’t praise the experience — it can trigger a deep insecurity. The ego kicks in. And for many, that insecurity leads to a sudden drop back into Level 1 as a form of compensation.
I’ve seen this happen countless times. A Dominant, after putting their partner’s needs above their own for too long, suddenly snaps back into control. The moment they feel unappreciated, they reclaim dominance in the only way they know how — by taking back power forcefully. And in doing so, they undo all the trust and connection they had built.
Guidance is a beautiful form of dominance. But when it is driven by a need to be loved, it loses its polarity. It becomes too careful, too accommodating, too externally focused. And deep down, I could feel that something was missing.
“To lead is not to command, but to create the conditions where others desire to follow.” — Simon Sinek
The real shift happened when I stopped looking for control and stopped looking for validation.
Instead, I started looking inside myself.
In Level 3, dominance is no longer about dictating the experience or adjusting to your partner’s every need. It is about holding your presence so deeply that submission happens naturally.
There is no force. There is no over-explaining. There is no seeking.
There is only deep consciousness.
At this level, dominance moves beyond words, beyond technique, beyond the need to create an experience for someone else. It becomes energetic. It becomes a dance of polarity. A deep, undeniable charge between Dominant and submissive, where the Dominant is so rooted in their own energy that the submissive cannot help but be drawn into it.
Imagine a scene where a submissive stands in front of their Dominant, waiting. There is no immediate command, no movement, no rush. The Dominant simply holds the moment, eyes steady, breath deep, energy unwavering. The tension between them builds. The submissive shifts slightly, drawn in, their body reacting not to an instruction, but to an unspoken pull.
And then, in a slow, controlled voice, the Dominant simply says: “show me your neck.”
And they do. Not because they were ordered. Not because they were waiting for permission.
But because it was inevitable.
A Dominant in this space does not need external validation — they trust themselves. They do not need to adjust constantly to their partner — they read the energy and amplify it. They do not force compliance — they allow surrender to unfold naturally.
It is the balance between taking and guiding. The merging of presence and surrender.
I don’t live in Level 3 all the time. No one does.
Some nights, I slip into Level 1, asserting my needs, reclaiming my space. Other nights, I find myself in Level 2, deeply connected, adjusting to my partner’s experience. But when everything aligns — when I trust myself fully, when I stop trying and simply am — I step into Level 3.
The key is not to reject any level, but to recognize them. To use them intentionally. To shift between them consciously.
Because when you reach that point, when you are no longer stuck in any single pattern, when you can move seamlessly between control, guidance, and true energetic command…
You don’t just play with dominance.
You become it.
Sincerely,
Pleasure Coach and Facilitator
Paul Meyers | owner of SPNKD
@you.are.pleasure
By Paul Meyers • 5 min read • ENGLISH
By Paul Meyers • 5 min read • ENGLISH