The Foundations of Dominance

“Leadership is not about being in control of others. It is about knowing yourself, knowing the arena, and creating a space where others want to follow.”

This is not the ultimate truth about dominance, it’s simply my perspective, drawn from my own experiences, mistakes, and growth. There are as many ways to live dominance as there are people, but these are the foundations that, for me, define what it means to lead with trust: competence, grounding, and shared intention.

Competence: Knowing and Crafting Your Arena

“If you don’t know the rules of the game, you cannot play it. Let alone lead it.”

For me, competence is very much about knowing your arena. And when I say arena, I don’t mean a pre-defined set of rules handed to you. An arena is something we create. In BDSM, we consciously craft our own world: we decide on rituals, boundaries, signals, and rules. We set the stage for our play and our relationship.

That’s why competence starts with awareness: What are the rules I’m setting? What agreements have we made? What energy does this scene or this relationship invite?

Of course, this is not unique to BDSM. Think of walking into your parents’ home: suddenly, there are unspoken family rules you step into. In a work meeting, the arena is completely different, shaped by professional codes, hierarchy, and etiquette. In a restaurant, again, you navigate yet another set of invisible rules.

If you want to lead, you need to be fluent in the rules of the arena you’re in. Imagine stepping onto a baseball field without knowing how the game is played, you would be a terrible captain, no matter how much “dominant energy” you try to radiate.

“Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others.” — Jack Welch

I once crafted a scene around ritualised silence. The “rule of the arena” was that no words would be spoken. My submissive, of course, tested it by whispering a teasing comment halfway through. In that moment, my competence wasn’t about getting angry, but about knowing the rule I had set, reinforcing it calmly, and guiding the play back into the container we had built.

Another example: when facilitating a workshop, I always start by defining the boundaries of the space. If I don’t — if I let things be vague — people feel unsafe, and the whole group dynamic falls apart. Competence here is knowing what kind of container I need to create for learning and play to flourish.

Grounding: Holding the Space

“A Dominant who cannot hold themselves cannot hold another.”

The second foundation is grounding. Leadership is not about never feeling stress or fear, it’s about how you carry yourself when those feelings appear. A leader who panics, overreacts, or clings to control becomes unpredictable, and unpredictability breaks trust.

Being grounded means you can hold yourself steady, even when things don’t go as planned. In BDSM, that might mean a toy breaks mid-scene, or your partner has an unexpected emotional reaction. If you freak out, the trust collapses. But if you breathe, stay calm, and adapt, your partner will feel safe to continue.

“Calmness is the cradle of power.” — Josiah Gilbert Holland

Grounding isn’t only about BDSM either. In daily life, think of a manager in a crisis. If they shout, blame, or lose their temper, the team spirals. If they stay calm and say, “Let’s take this one step at a time. We’ll find a way through,” everyone feels steadier.

The same is true for dominance: peace is not the absence of chaos, it’s the confidence that even if chaos comes, you can hold the space.

Shared Intention: Leading With Connection in Mind

“A Dominant is not the center of the play. The relationship is.”

The third element is leading with connection in mind. For me, dominance is never purely self-serving. Yes, sometimes I focus on my own desire. Yes, sometimes I push my partner for their growth. But always, the underlying question is: What serves the connection?

This doesn’t mean you become selfless or saintly. It means you recognise that the authority you hold exists within a relationship, and that relationship is the true heart of the dynamic.

Sometimes that requires patience. Maybe I’m tempted to take what I want right away, but I sense that waiting will deepen the trust, or create more powerful anticipation. Sometimes I have to hold back not because I can’t, but because I know the timing isn’t right for us.

In a D/s relationship, I once delayed a particular ritual my submissive begged me for. I knew that giving it immediately would be satisfying, but waiting until we had matured into the roles made it transformative.

In partnerships or even friendships, good leaders often hold back their own ego to prioritise the collective. A parent might want to lecture, but instead listens, because listening serves the connection.

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” — John Quincy Adams

Some closing thoughts

These three foundations — competence, grounding, and shared intention — are not “the” recipe for dominance. They are simply my personal lens, shaped by what I’ve lived, failed at, and learned over time.

Dominance is not about performance or posturing. It’s about trust. And trust comes from creating an arena where rules are clear, presence is steady, and the connection is honoured.

“To dominate is not to control the other, but to create a world in which trust, surrender, and growth can flourish.”

Sincerely,
Paul Meyers | owner of SPNKD

Pleasure Coach and Facilitator
@you.are.pleasure