Don’t Praise Your Dom Into a Corner: The Secret to Keeping Them Sharp

As a submissive, you likely see your Dominant as someone in control—commanding, confident, and precise. It’s easy to imagine that Dominance is a fixed trait, something innate that never falters. But in reality, Dominance is a skill that grows, evolves, and deepens over time. Supporting that growth as a submissive is vital to cultivating a rich, fulfilling dynamic.

Carol Dweck’s work on fixed vs. growth mindset can open up deeper layers of connection in a BDSM context. Let’s dive into how you, as a submissive, can support your Dominant’s growth—or, unknowingly, hinder it.

Fixed vs. Growth Mindset: How it Applies to Dominance

Dweck’s theory is rooted in two contrasting beliefs:

• Fixed Mindset: The belief that abilities are innate and unchangeable. If someone is good at something, they were “born” good at it. Mistakes or setbacks are seen as evidence of failure or incompetence.
• Growth Mindset: The belief that abilities can be developed through effort, learning, and persistence. Challenges and mistakes are seen as opportunities for growth.

Many submissives fall into the trap of a fixed mindset when it comes to their Dominant. They see the polished, powerful exterior and assume it’s always been that way. But like any art form, Dominance is a skill that takes time to develop. It’s a process of learning, experimenting, and refining.

Of course, some people have a natural talent for things, and Dominance is no different. Some Dominants may have a natural feel for control, but this doesn’t mean they’re exempt from growth or the occasional misstep. And seeing them as stuck in a fixed mold can be detrimental to both their confidence and the dynamic.

Carol Dweck’s Findings: Mindset Shapes Outcomes

When Carol Dweck tested her theory, she worked with two groups of children, giving them challenging puzzles. One group was praised for their intelligence (a fixed trait), and the other for their effort (a growth mindset trait). The results were striking. The children praised for intelligence quickly lost confidence and gave up when the puzzles got harder. But the children praised for effort? They embraced the challenge, willing to try different approaches even when they made mistakes.

It’s easy to imagine how this applies to Dominance. If a Dominant is constantly praised for their flawless execution but never given space to experiment or stumble, they may feel the pressure to always be perfect. When that happens, mistakes become a source of shame rather than learning.

Dweck found that “the view you adopt for yourself profoundly affects the way you lead your life.” That mindset can make all the difference between a Dominant feeling stifled or growing into their full potential. 

The Dangers of a Fixed Mindset in Dominants

Dominants themselves are not immune to the traps of a fixed mindset. Many struggle with the pressure to be perfect—to always get it right. This rigid expectation can block their confidence and keep them from evolving in their role. If they feel like they should know everything already, they might hesitate to experiment or try new things for fear of “failing.”

A Dominant who feels trapped in a fixed mindset may become less adventurous, less engaged, and eventually, less confident. The worst part? The more this belief is reinforced, the harder it becomes for them to step outside their comfort zone and grow.

And yet, while the Dominant leads the dynamic, that doesn’t mean they’re alone in it. A D/s dynamic thrives when all parties are actively involved. Your role as a submissive is not just to follow—it’s to support, encourage, and help foster an environment where growth and evolution are welcomed.

How a Submissive Can Foster Growth in Her Dominant

Supporting your Dominant’s growth doesn’t mean you avoid being critical when necessary. There are situations—like crossing boundaries or compromising safety—that should never be overlooked. But it’s important to strike a balance between offering constructive feedback and nurturing your Dominant’s evolution.

Here’s how you can play a key role in your Dominant’s growth:

1. Praise the Effort, Not Just the Result: Acknowledge the creativity, thought, and energy your Dominant puts into the dynamic. By focusing on the process rather than just the outcome, you encourage experimentation and exploration. 
2. Support Mistakes as Learning Opportunities: If something doesn’t go as planned, don’t let it undermine your confidence in your Dominant. Normalise mistakes as part of growth. They aren’t proof of a lack of ability—they’re proof of someone pushing their limits.
3. Be Critical, But Constructive: It’s important to call out situations that compromise boundaries or safety, but make sure your feedback is constructive. Rather than criticising from a place of judgment, offer your insights from a space of shared growth.
4. Create a Safe Space for Vulnerability: Sometimes, all a Dominant needs is to feel safe in their role to explore it more deeply. Encouragement doesn’t mean fawning praise—it can be as simple as inviting them to step deeper into connection with you.

A Personal Story: The Hourglass Incident

Let me share a real-life example, complete with a dash of self-mockery. During a scene, I was using a beautiful hourglass to time and heighten the intensity of our play. Everything was flowing perfectly—until the hourglass fell and shattered. Yes, in the heat of the moment, I managed to break my own prop. There’s something about the delicate, sensual atmosphere being interrupted by a sudden crash of glass that really makes you feel like a genius, right?

But here’s where the magic of growth mindset came in. My play partner could have easily reacted with disappointment, seeing the incident as a failure or proof that I wasn’t in control. Instead, she embraced the moment. We paused, barefoot, cleaning up the shards of glass before resuming the scene. Afterward, she smiled and said, “It was such a cool idea to use the hourglass. Buy a new one for next time.”

In that moment, I wasn’t the perfect Dominant—I was a work in progress, and that was okay. Her feedback allowed me to feel both supported and inspired to try new things. As Dweck would say, “Love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning.”

The Power of Invitation: A Kink Coaching Anecdote

I recently coached a couple where the submissive felt disconnected from her Dominant. Despite his best efforts, she felt like he wasn’t connecting with her deeply enough. The more she expressed this dissatisfaction, the more his confidence eroded. His natural reaction was to pull back, which only worsened the disconnection.

I suggested something simple: when she sensed him trying to connect, instead of retreating in frustration, she should invite him closer. It was a subtle but profound shift. That invitation gave him the confidence to step deeper into their connection. The change was almost immediate. She got the connection she craved, and he regained the confidence to lead. It was what they both needed.

“It made her smile and gave him the confidence to evolve.” Sometimes, the right kind of support isn’t about pushing or pulling—it’s about welcoming the next step.

How a Fixed Mindset Can Block Connection

A fixed mindset can be destructive not just for the Dominant, but for the dynamic as a whole. When a submissive expects perfection from their Dominant—when every mistake feels like a crack in their Dominant’s armor—it can create an unhealthy power dynamic. Rather than being a space of mutual growth and exploration, it becomes a place of pressure, where anything less than flawless is unacceptable.

Supporting your Dominant’s growth doesn’t mean lowering your standards or accepting mediocrity. It’s important to maintain high expectations for your dynamic—that’s what keeps it exciting and fulfilling. But fostering a growth mindset allows for learning and evolution along the way. It’s about encouraging progress without expecting perfection right out of the gate.

At the same time, it’s completely okay to be honest with yourself if your play partner isn’t meeting your standards or is too far from your expectations. The growth mindset isn’t a free pass to accept everything. Sometimes, the best decision is to acknowledge that the connection isn’t working and to move on.

That said, when you support your Dominant’s growth, you create an environment where both of you can fly higher than you ever thought possible. The more you nurture the process, the more room there is for exploration, deeper connection, and shared fulfilment. After all, growth doesn’t mean settling—it means evolving into something even better together.

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” ~ Albert Einstein

Conclusion: Dominance is a Journey, Not a Destination

Dominance isn’t a fixed trait; it’s an evolving, living skill. And just as a Dominant shapes the journey for their submissive, so too can a submissive play an essential role in their Dominant’s growth. By embracing a growth mindset, you open the door to a deeper, more connected D/s dynamic. Remember, your Dominant is always learning, always evolving—and your support can be the key to unlocking their fullest potential.

So, celebrate the journey. Invite them to come closer. Be part of their evolution. Because when both partners are committed to growth, the dynamic thrives in ways you never thought possible.

Sincerely,
Paul Meyers | owner of SPNKD

Kink Coach and Facilitator
@kink.coaching