Exploring BDSM With Your Vanilla Partner

A look into bringing up kink with your not-so-kinky SO

By Tess Dagger • 7 min read • ENGLISH


et’s dive right into it: As self-defined kinksters, we’ve all had our vanilla exchanges, and a fair few of us have probably lamented; “Damn, I wish this person were kinky.”

They very well could be, except neither of you knows it yet…

How do we successfully guide the uninitiated through the crazy world of BDSM? How do we know if they’ll enjoy it? And most importantly, how do we do so safely, ethically, and without putting our wants first?

Let’s take a look at some ways we can introduce our sweet and innocent significant others into our fun and dirty world.

Have an honest discussion first

Let’s be real. If we want our partners to get down and dirty with us in the ways we like, the first thing we should do is talk about it with each other. Why? Because we need our partner’s consent!

There have been countless portrayals in films and comics where one-half of a couple decides they want to spice things up with their partner and surprise them in the bedroom with a pair of handcuffs and a blindfold. Sure, spontaneous consent is possible, but is it as successful? Not likely. Contrary to what we might hope, a lot of people don’t like surprises. Having something sprung on us takes us out of our comfort zone, and we are inherently creatures of comfort. BDSM can challenge these boundaries, and kinksters are often much more willing to push the envelope than the average Joe Vanilla.

The benefits of a pre-kink discussion can be many, but the most important part is that you’re having a discussion to begin with. It prepares us in a few ways for our hopefully future activities:

  1. It shows our partner just how much it would mean to us for them to be open to our kinks. It also lets them know that we’re excited about approaching them with our desires and trust them to explore with us.
  2. It allows them to ask questions and delve into your personal tastes—and to verbally explore some of their own while they’re at it.
  3. It creates an opportunity for our partners to take everything that’s been discussed and digest it for a while until they feel they are ready.

Start at their pace

Few things will terrify a budding kinkster more than taking them to a crowded dungeon and having them see the edge-players go at their hardest and weirdest. New environments and new sensations can be overwhelming, and if that’s the first mental image of kink they receive, they may not be as willing to go back for a second try.

© SPNKD

If your partner has already consented to try out something new, take them kinky window shopping. This can be as easy as browsing some light porn together or looking up specific things you find exciting. Then, if they’re open to the idea, start at the bare-bones basic version of said kink. This makes it approachable and easy to process.

Me? I like needles. No, I lied, I love needles. But I would never ask a partner who’s new to needles to try out a hook suspension while having their genitals stapled shut around a vibrator and their lips sewn together to keep them from screaming. My Saturdays are very likely not similar-looking to theirs, nor should they be.

What would we start with? A simple endorphin button, or, if even that’s too much then a single, small-gauge needle. Your level of exhilaration might be their level of NOPE.

Normal is an illusion. 
What is normal to the spider is chaos for the fly.

—Morticia Addams

Don’t force them into your kinks — find your mutual likes

A fast way to have a person lose interest in BDSM altogether is by trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Ask a person to repeatedly attempt a kink they’re not into, and they’ll never see why people like BDSM so much in the first place.

The window shopping we mentioned before serves to mitigate this. You’re browsing options that you would both enjoy together. Do you want to tie them up and spank them, but they don’t want to be spanked? Settle for the rope, and you’ll have a better time. Spanking them while they’re tied up could very well ruin both spanking and rope for them. Now they’ve lost interest in something they could’ve potentially loved.

What if there’s no intersection between your kinks? If it’s something that you’re open to, this may be your turn to try something new. Wax-play may never have interested me much, but learning about it with my partner could up its sexiness to a point where I may find myself genuinely enjoying it. If they’re willing to step into my crazy world with me, I’m willing to try something new with them within it.

In the event that even that fails it’s ok to enjoy your separate sins without indulging in each others’. They’ll be on a journey that will help them understand your passions and desires by discovering their own. Even if it’s not exactly in the way you had hoped, that can only be a boon to your connection.

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Be gentle as they find their role. It’ll take time

It doesn’t pay to be pushy with our loved ones when we’re trying to encourage them to try new things. Newness can be scary and uncomfortable. They’re dipping their toes into the icy water of dark desires, and they likely won’t thank you if you shove them in. Cold is one thing, but mental and emotional processing is another.

Sometimes your partner won’t know which role they fit best in the grand table of kinky titles. Are they dominant or submissive? Do they top or bottom? Are they a little or a Big? Pup, pony, or handler? There are so many things to explore that even knowing what they like is no guarantee that they’ll know in what capacity they want to explore it!

Classes are a huge benefit to newcomers of all types, and if your sweetie is still searching for ways to delve into their newfound perversions, a class with an experienced instructor or a workshop may be a wonderful way to help them learn without feeling overwhelmed.

Patience for them will only ever show them that although it means a great deal for you that they’re down to get dirty, you’re not going to push them into something they don’t want.

Accept that they may not be kinky at all

So you’ve tried all this and nothing has clicked. Then what?

Measure internally how important a kinky partner is to you. Is it a deal-breaker that they don’t want to get weird with you? Are you at your core a submissive who needs a master, or a sadist who needs a painslut to share your journey with?

There are answers we may not want to hear, but there are also alternate solutions. Is it possible for you to satiate your need for playtime elsewhere? I married my vanilla partner and satisfy my need for play in other parts of my life through our open understanding. This may not be the ideal solution for most, but it can work for some.

If a person is truly dear to you regardless of their sexual tastes, you will find the solution together through openness and communication. Maybe someday they’ll see the thrill that you experience when you play, or find a more approachable method that they didn’t know of before. It may take years, but peoples’ tastes change. The longer people are together, the more open they can be to trying something new.

Hey, even my husband just mentioned that he might be down to try rope. You never know.

Nomatter which way you slice it, introducing someone to kink is a journey taken one step at a time. As with all journeys, it’ll be more enjoyable if it’s not rushed. Sometimes it’s nice to stop and enjoy the scenery along the way.

Bringing BDSM to a person’s life can be an incredible gift, both for your partner and yourself. When you show them all you adore, you get to see it again with fresh eyes and an appreciation for the detail that you may have missed before in your frenzy to try it all. And this time, you’ll get to share it with the person you want the most.

As always, be safe, sane, and consensual. But most importantly, be yourself.


Sincerely,

Tess Dagger | Writer for SPNKD

BDSM enthusiast and former sex worker
@tessdagger
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