\n\n\n\n
As insinuated in this scene, it\u2019s easy to slide into these hierarchical dominant\/submissive roles with occasional or casual lovers; when we\u2019re not involved in each other\u2019s daily lives and stresses. When we meet only to play<\/em> we see each other at our best, and we\u2019re often in character from the moment we lock eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But, what about when we live together? When we share beds, bills, responsibilities, and perhaps even children together? On most days, as equal partners supporting each other through ups and downs, we might deal with questions like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Honey, who\u2019s cooking dinner tonight? Can you pick up some tampons from the drug store? Who\u2019s taking the kids to the doctor tomorrow? Did you pay the heating bill already?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n While necessary parts of day-to-day communication, they don\u2019t exactly spell sexy-time<\/em>\u2026 How, then, can we segway smoothly from that<\/em> into collared submissive on our knees or strict dominant with flogger in hand? And, equally important, how do we shift back?<\/p>\n\n\n\n These predicaments have extinguished the fires of many a previously well-functioning BDSM power dynamic. More times than I can count, I\u2019ve heard of play partners turned life partners only to lose their game<\/em>\u200a\u2014\u200aone of the main things that brought them together in the first place:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that I love them like \u2018this\u2019, I can\u2019t do \u2018that\u2019 with them anymore<\/em>. Or, I crave impact play and humiliation, but after we moved in together we can\u2019t find our way back to that, etc<\/em>\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n What a pity! If we\u2019re (ethically) non-monogamous, we might then choose to fulfill our desires elsewhere. But, whether we want a monogamous partner or simply want to be able to share these things with our primaries, or someone we love, it\u2019s hugely frustrating when we can\u2019t seem to hack it<\/em> in a steady relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why does this happen? What can be done to prevent it? And, how can we successfully and smoothly shift between these roles?<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are many reasons why sexual dynamics are affected by overall relationship dynamics, starting with the daily life stressors and responsibilities already mentioned. Routine, monotony, and plain old exhaustion are other factors that put dampers not only on BDSM power dynamics but on our sex lives in general.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s also natural that as we get closer to someone, we\u2019ll love them in a deeper<\/em>, broader<\/em>, and perhaps more comfortable<\/em>way\u200a\u2014\u200awhich are all wonderful things. The catch 22 is that this can<\/em> come at the cost of losing some of that delicious mystery needed to fuel our flame. This is understandable to a degree and it requires conscious efforts to counteract, which I\u2019ll get to later. It\u2019s problematic, however, when we can no longer reconcile our partner\u2019s sexuality in the same way after seeing them in their other roles.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Psychotherapist and leading relationship therapist Esther Perel sums it up in this quote from her book Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n As a mother who\u2019s also a sex-positive writer and BDSM aficionado, this is a complex I\u2019ve felt on my own skin; as a society, we don\u2019t allow the lover<\/em> and the mother<\/em> to coexist. This is also the reason why I\u2019ve told past play partners that I don\u2019t want them to see me with my kid; I\u2019m afraid it could change how they view me and affect our dynamic. Thankfully, my own concerns have proven to be unfounded so far, but I still hear others say things in the line of: \u201cAfter seeing her (wife or partner) push a kid out of there<\/em>, I can no longer see her in the same light.\u201d How unfair isn\u2019t that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Just as men can be both prospective or current fathers and still remain complete, sexual beings, women must be granted the same liberties.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Women are not the only ones to get pigeonholed. Often in the BDSM and Shibari\/rope world, I witness the female partner unable to get into the same mindset with their live-in male counterparts\u2014a space they have or had no problem accessing with a casual play partner. Again, the comfort of the familiar<\/em> comes in the way, and, after relating to their male partners as the safe, stable family-man<\/em> he\u2019s now become the knight,<\/em> or the good guy, <\/em>thus, erasing the beast,<\/em> aka the bad guy<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you struggle to see your partner, male or female, as a sexual being or in their prospective dom\/sub roles after getting to know them as parents\u2014or professionals, or just regular humans with sweatpants on the couch on a Sunday\u200a\u2014\u200ait\u2019s time for a check-in. I\u2019m not claiming that this is as easily done as it\u2019s said, yet, you can start by giving each other permission to be your whole, multifaceted selves. From there, work on finding ways to transition smoothly between your many selves without letting one version<\/em> taint another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I shrug when I hear someone say that they can\u2019t treat them like that (anymore) because they respect and\/or love them too much.<\/em> On the other hand, they\u2019re able to treat others<\/em> like that when they don\u2019t have the same feelings for them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This prompts two questions: First, it\u2019s problematic to refer to BDSM practices as treating someone<\/em> like that <\/em>as it implies that we carry beliefs that there\u2019s something inherently wrong<\/em> or shameful<\/em> about what we do. As always, when something takes place between two willing, consenting adults there\u2019s no right or wrong<\/em>, good or bad<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Secondly, by separating between who we can treat like that<\/em> or who we can\u2019t, we\u2019re inadvertently saying that we respect some people more than others. The lack of romantic or loving feelings for someone shouldn\u2019t come at the cost of our respect for them as human beings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you and your partner enjoyed something when you were just playing<\/em>, but now you can no longer do it, despite your partner indicating they still want it, ask yourself why<\/em> this is. It could be time to revisit both your beliefs and feelings around your sexuality and towards kink and BDSM in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n After examining\u00a0the whys<\/em>; our habits, beliefs, and attitudes and we can look for ways to work with and around them. My actionable strategy consists of two main elements: The first is all about establishing triggers, which work like powerplay\u00a0on\/off buttons.<\/em>\u00a0The second\u2014which is also a key to the success and longevity of any relationship\u2014involves setting aside time for special (play-) dates.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As safety-oriented kinksters, we use safewords<\/em> as code for when we want to pause or stop a play session. The opposite is appropriately called a danger word<\/em> and is to be used when we want to start<\/em> something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Not only are we humans fickle in that we want both clear communication<\/em> and a bit of mystery\u2014<\/em>often <\/em>at the same time\u2014but it doesn\u2019t always feel comfortable or context-appropriate to spell it out; \u201cHey you, what about some sex?\u201d or \u201cLet\u2019s play?\u201d Like bait on a hook that can be slid discreetly into a text message or conversation, your danger word<\/em> makes it easier to ask\u200a\u2014\u200awithout really<\/em> asking\u2014makes a potential rejection easier to handle too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Make your word, phrase, or sentence as simple or complicated as you want. It could be something that relates to or is the opposite of your safe word, an internal joke, or reference. Consider having response phases that mean yes, no,<\/em> or later.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Some couples make use of visual markers or gestures to signalize that they\u2019re open to or want to play. The marker can be anything that triggers you, from a special piece of jewelry, such as a ring of O<\/a>, or a collar. The partner of a foot fetishist might put on sheer or fishnet socks, or a designated pair of high heels as an invitation. You can signalize that you\u2019re ready for action<\/em> by placing an item in an agreed-upon location, such as a do-not-disturb sign or ribbon tied around the bedroom door handle. Or, you can simply text each other a special <\/em>emoji.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Your trigger can also involve using a certain tone of voice, gestures, or calling each other specific pet names\u2014or a combination of several of the above\u2014as long as you both know what they mean.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As important as finding smooth ways to opt-in to play, we need ways to say stop <\/em>or not right now <\/em>for situations when our sexual power dynamics unwantedly leaks into our everyday lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Imagine waking up to cook a relaxed breakfast with your partner after a hot session the night before. Still buzzed, and sore in all the right places, it can feel natural to let power dynamics trickle over into an otherwise casual scenario. When the mood is right, you do want your Mistress<\/em> to call you boy<\/em> while you fry her eggs, or perhaps Daddy<\/em> feeds his little girl<\/em>blueberry pancakes on a Sunday morning? On the contrary, when you\u2019ve already started mentally preparing for Monday morning\u2019s work meeting, it can feel plain wrong, or even disrespectful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The problem is that your partner doesn’t automatically know where your mind is, and asking, too matter-of-factly, runs the risk of killing the mood. A great solution is to create a separate code word that applies exclusively to these kinds of situations. The daily-life safeword <\/em>(again, this can be anything from a simple word or a phrase to a knock-knock joke) helps you say no<\/em>, clearly, yet gently. The discreet nature of it also makes it useful in public or around other people when you don\u2019t want to reprimand <\/em>your partner with a firm, \u201cnot right now, Honey!\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A major reason why BDSM dynamics die out, as well as sexual tension in general, is rooted in laziness. When we become too comfortable, we often get bored, and thus even lazier. It\u2019s a vicious cycle!<\/p>\n\n\n\n We can break this cycle by stepping out of our comfort zones and back to our dating days. Remembering the words of Perel, we must maintain and create mystery, novelty, and the unexpected in order to keep desire alive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The opening scene of this article doesn\u2019t have to be reserved for casual play partners\u2014if<\/em> we decide to consciously recreate it within a steady relationship. The trick is to remain proactive and creative as we cultivate the erotic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are endless ways to do this starting by setting clear, non-negotiable dates specifically for play. Then, proceed to building anticipation for days<\/a> by planning, picking outfits, teasing, and titillating each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you date at home make sure you set aside time to make it special. Some couples use a different room in the house if they have one, others get creative with roleplay and costumes. For a special treat, you may want to take a weekend trip, book a hotel room, or play space for a night? Or how about planning a naughty rendezvous during the day using one of the many daybreak or by-hour hotel booking sites. How about sending your partner the address and room number to wait for them in costume and character when they arrive? Or text instructions with the promise of punishment<\/em> should they not comply?<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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\n\n\n\nReasons why power dynamics falter<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Sexual dynamics change when our relationships do<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nJoining in partnership can cause us to view each other differently<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nWatch out for the trite Madonna-whore dichotomy<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nMen and the knight\/beast predicament<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\n\u201cYou can\u2019t treat them like that\u2026any longer\u201d<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nStrategies to keep power dynamics alive<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
![\"Man](\"https:\/\/spnkd.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/1iuNr8eqgd8rlgwK5gU5zXA-682x1024.jpeg\")
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\nEstablish a \u2018Danger Word\u2019<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nOutfits, markers, and other triggers<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nThe daily-life safeword<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nSet special play dates<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
![\"female](\"https:\/\/spnkd.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/09\/1pm9PTdqDUg5OhxNT-UzpCQ-760x1024.jpeg\")
<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n