A Love Story in Ropes

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e’s practiced Shibari for over seven years, but still feels like he’s only scratching the surface: “There’s so much more to discover,” says SPNKD’s rope teacher Dimebag, who ties almost exclusively with his wife. In a scene, where most practitioners tie with multiple partners and seem to value novelty, he’s truly a dime in a dozen with his focused approach—always in search of greater depth.

Let’s start from scratch; what attracted you to ropes and how did you get into it?

It started after my wife and I decided we wanted to discover BDSM. We first visited an erotic fair for inspiration, but a lot of what we saw there was the typical clichés and it didn’t speak to us. Continuing onto Fetlife we discovered, funnily, that we live just 500 meters from a pretty famous BDSM club. When we went there to take a look, the thing that caught our attention was an older Japanese guy who was tying up two models.

Intrigued, I approached the guy who told me to take workshops. Since there wasn’t much like that going on in Belgium, it took six months to find something, but eventually, we attended one with a really interesting teacher from Paris.

Already hooked, we continued to play and discover on our own, and a few months later, we took another workshop where we learned the basic harness*.

(*The basic Gote harness is a box tie around the chest used by riggers around the world. It comes in many variants, using two or three ropes. You may see it referred to as a ‘Takate Kote’ or ‘TK’ for short)

The style of ropes I practice now is a version of Kinbaku called Naka-style, which was brought to Europe by Riccardo Wildties, the first disciple (Deshi) of rope master (Kinbakushi) Akira Naka. There are about seven such masters who each have their own styles named after them, and their own way of tying the Gote.

After this, we, and a group of friends from the scene, challenged ourselves to dive deep and went on to practice every single day for ten months. That’s how it all began…

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What is Naka-style? What’s special about it and why did you choose this direction?

In the beginning, I copied what I saw in photos or in the clubs, and a lot of that involved these ‘circus tricks’, like hanging from one leg or in complicated positions. Two years ago, I started questioning why… We were doing spectacular stuff, but it had started to feel more like checking boxes.

After attending many disappointing classes—they were fun, but didn’t give me anything I’d use again—my wife and I were invited to a small workshop with Alexander and his partner Natasha from Berlin. The first thing he asked was what we expected, and I responded, earnestly, that I didn’t expect much at all other than to have fun with my wife, but let’s see…

Alexander proved me wrong. I learned so much that weekend I decided to dedicate myself and learn as much as I can. What he taught was Naka-style—he is the first official certified instructor for Kinbaku Luxuria Naka Ryo in Germany—and I’ve been practicing and studying under him ever since.

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My understanding of the style is that it’s quite simplistic in its approach. It’s about functionality rather than decoration, right?

True. Often you see these people who use so much rope, tying the suspension lines together, and so on. There’ll be a bunch of rope, but hardly any on the body. For someone watching it might look impressive, meanwhile, the model’s on the floor, waiting for you to do all the artsy stuff in the air, not feeling anything…

Alexander taught me that it’s usually better to take a rope away than adding one.

It’s natural to start out wanting to tie a lot, using lots of rope, but it can happen that the only one you end up tying is yourself…

It’s all about what the model feels. At the same time, the style is really hardcore in terms of suffering and torment for the model*. It can be fun, but never easy; it has the potential to take you to a deeper level in the rope.

(*Naka-style is referred to as ‘rope of torture’ or ‘Seme-newa’, a term coined specifically in reference to Naka Akira’s style of tying.)

It’s natural to start out wanting to tie a lot, using lots of rope, but it can happen that the only one you end up tying is yourself, so to speak. That’s what I experienced; I was doing so much complex stuff, I was all over the place and got lost in the ropes.

Naka-style taught me to take a step back and do as much as I can with as little as possible.

You went on a quest to remember why you love ropes, and learning this style did that. So, what do you love about Shibari?

Today is a perfect time to have this talk because last night the kids were away and my wife and I had a really good, intense session.

It’s a combination of things: The feeling of being in charge and taking control. My wife and I don’t engage in other types of D/s play, but with ropes, she trusts me completely and lets me make all the decisions. I love to witness the struggle and to help guide her to places where she thinks she can’t go. I also love watching her body; my goal is always to enhance and emphasize her beauty with the ropes—never the other way around.

All of it is very mental. When we’re together in our rope space, normal life seizes to exist and we’re fully in the moment.

It’s also important that we never forget why we started, and that this is ultimately an erotic artform. While it’s good to learn the technical stuff, what’s important to me is the deep intimacy; being close and watching her, and how she moves. That’s all very erotic and sexual for me.

A session doesn’t always involve sex, but the erotic element has to be present.

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Does that mean rope is always sexual for you?

In a workshop, I can learn from, or give a technical demonstration—then it’s not. Privately, on the other hand, I only tie with my wife and one other model with whom I have a separate D/s relationship.

I get lots of requests from people who want to get tied, but I always decline. Most people in the rope scene do this, but, personally, I have to be attracted to the person I tie, and I don’t feel that about just anyone… So, while a session doesn’t always involve sex, the erotic element has to be present.

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Since you don’t tie with different models, do you ever feel like you run out of options?

No, I actually feel like I’m still scratching the surface and there’s so much more to explore together.

I’ve mastered a lot technically, so what matters even more now is the why; the deeper meaning behind it all. This has less to do with making shapes or the look of the rope but is all about the attitude, the feel, and the mood.

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So, if someone asked you, what’s your one-sentence answer to the why?

Because it turns me on… [haha] It’s simplistic but true. Behind that is, again, the fact that I’ve been doing it for so long with someone I love; with my wife for the past 22 years, and the mother of our children. This allows us to reach the depth that we do. This is also why I don’t understand the urge to tie with multiples. For me, that doesn’t give me what I’m looking for.

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It makes sense, still, it’s rare…

Yes, people in the scene look at me strangely when I tell them. It’s an exception in this world, but it has many benefits…

In Belgium, we are one of the few couples in the scene and I consider us lucky. It can be hard to tie when your partner isn’t into it and many struggle to find someone to tie with as often as they wish. My model lives here with me so we don’t have that problem. Besides, when you tie with someone you just met, you have to go through the full checklist; safety basics, limits, boundaries, likes and dislikes. Why would I go through all of that for one night of tying someone I don’t know?

We have three children together, family, friends, and work, but this is just ours and we don’t allow anything to come in between that.

You’ve been tying together for a third of your marriage. How has Shibari influenced your personal relationship?

It has definitely brought us closer together! First, it was the excitement of doing something a bit forbidden, and it’s become our special place where we can disconnect from everything else and only focus on each other. We have three children together, family, friends, and work, but this is just ours and we don’t allow anything to come in between that.

That sounds like invaluable relationship advice, regardless of which activity you choose to share. In your case, it happens to be one that literally ties you closer together.

I also find ropes even more intimate than sex in general; you’re so close to the person, feeling, observing and touching them in many ways.

Yes, and because we may feel differently from day to day and therefore our needs change, it requires that we really tune into our partners mentally as well…

My wife said something about that in our last workshop that I’ll never forget; “The rope never lies: If our relationship is struggling, it will show up in the ropes”. This is so true! If we’re not in the right mood as a couple we’ll get into fights and it’s just not working. When things are great, like last night, everything flows perfectly. The rope is very revealing that way.

That’s so interesting—the rope acts as a barometer that picks up all the little nuances of a relationship!

Many wonder how they can get started with ropes and if it’s for them. For those looking to bottom, what are qualities you appreciate in a rope-model? And can anyone do it?

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The great thing about rope is that it’s flexible and full of opportunities. Everybody can learn, both topping or bottoming, if they practice consistently. As a model, it depends on what you’re looking for; do you want someone to make nice patterns and shapes? Do you want a comfortable tie or are you more masochistic and into pain? It’s about knowing what you want and finding someone who wants that too.

I encourage students to do what they like and not copy me. The most important is that you do something you enjoy!

Personally, what I look for in a model is what I’d call maturity of heart. I quickly tire with people who are shallow: “Look at me and how beautiful I am! You are so lucky to tie me…” etc. That makes a nice picture, but often little else.

In this sense, I’m very proud of my wife. In ways, she’s a regular 40-year-old woman who’s had three kids—and she’s an absolutely amazing model. She can do all the stuff those 20-year-old model gymnasts do, made more meaningful and beautiful by her depth—her maturity of heart.

I see so many, and especially women, who are insecure about their bodies and who are afraid to be too big or heavy in the ropes—or too old. But that isn’t what it’s about. What matters is the intent behind it.

At a workshop for SPNKD there was this amazing couple in their sixties who were just discovering ropes together, and through it they rediscovered why they fell in love. They weren’t doing anything super extreme, but you could tell they just enjoyed being together; how they smiled at each other and the way he placed the rope very gently on her body. It was beautiful!

So yes, I promote that everyone can do it, but it’s about finding the style that suits you. There’s no need to overcomplicate things!

If you enjoy it, you’ll start peeling back to find that so much meaning, depth, and beauty is hidden within.

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On the other hand, what makes a good rope-top?

Sometimes I see new riggers with zero feel for the model, and then you have to educate them a bit; to really look for the breath and how they move. Apart from knowing the safety basics and some technique, the most important thing is to learn to feel your model.

So, it’s about empathy?

Yes. If you don’t pay attention and tune into how your model feels it can never work.

For learning ropes in general, the first thing you need is a good teacher. After that, it’s like an onion; you begin by playing and discovering the first layer, and, if you enjoy it, you’ll start peeling back to find that so much meaning, depth, and beauty is hidden within.

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Lastly, as we all patiently wait for events and life, in general, to go back to normal (…), do you have any future plans and dreams for your rope practice?

Yes, I’m excited to resume the workshops for SPNKD! And, since there isn’t too much going on in Belgium, we’re dependent on traveling and can’t wait to go back to Berlin to learn more ourselves.

With my own rope work, I’ve been encouraged to add more of a personal touch to it. But, as with most things, you have to know the rules perfectly before you can start breaking them.

A big dream is to have our own space close to us where we could invite the teachers we admire to come and teach workshops right here!