{"id":1325,"date":"2021-03-04T08:21:01","date_gmt":"2021-03-04T08:21:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/spnkd.com\/your-pain-my-pleasure-4\/"},"modified":"2021-08-23T06:58:56","modified_gmt":"2021-08-23T06:58:56","slug":"your-pain-my-pleasure-4","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/spnkd.com\/fr\/your-pain-my-pleasure-4\/","title":{"rendered":"The Ego, Shame & BDSM"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\u2014 So, what kind of screwed up childhood experiences brought you here?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A friend in the BDSM scene asked me this question, with a wink, as we were getting to know each other a few years back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n


\u2014 Ha!<\/em> I laughed back at him while knowing there was a layer of seriousness to his question. Are you suggesting everyone in this community come here to deal with our issues? What if I\u2019m just here because I like it? Do I have to be messed up in some way?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2014 Well, we\u2019re all here for a reason,<\/em> my friend continued. It doesn\u2019t have to be all that dark, but there\u2019s usually some explanation as to why someone enjoys being tied up, spanked, or humiliated, and why others derive pleasure from inflicting pain. If we weren\u2019t confronting \u2018something\u2019, we\u2019d be satisfied with plain-old vanilla sex, right?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had to sit with his words for a bit, but after further thinking, I realized that yes, there are deeper reasons why I like what I like, <\/em>and these can, perhaps, be traced back to how I was brought up, and some might spring from beliefs that have been ingrained in me later. Am I using BDSM as a way to confront internalized shame? I decided to take a deeper look.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t buy the idea that there has to be anything wrong<\/em> with me, or anyone else, who ends up exploring what\u2019s commonly viewed as alternative, or even deviant, sexual practices. Still, it\u2019s hard to deny that these aren\u2019t excellent, and often eye-opening, avenues to venture down in our efforts to tear down walls of internalized shame and guilt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve come a long way in our understanding of BDSM since the beginning of the last century when Sigmund Freud described<\/a> sadomasochism and BDSM as \u201cthe most significant of all perversions\u201d, and \u201cas diseases developing from an incorrect development of the child psyche.\u201d(source<\/a>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Though the practices are still inexplicable to many, it\u2019s generally accepted that sadomasochism and other expressions of (consensual) kink are not associated with mental illness, but rather common expressions of human sexuality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the contrary, current research suggests that kinksters may even be psychologically healthier. The widely quoted study by Journal of Sexual Medicine<\/a> concluded that \u201cpractitioners of bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism, or BDSM, score better on a variety of personality and psychological measures than vanilla<\/em> people.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The traits BDSM practitioners showed, compared to the general population were:<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Higher <\/strong>levels of well-being, extroversion, and openness to new experiences. They were more conscientious and displayed more secure feelings of attachment in their relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the other end, they displayed lower <\/strong>levels of <\/strong>neurosis and anxious behaviors, less rejection sensitivity, and less paranoia about people not liking them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The author of the study Andreas Wismeijer, a psychologist at Nyenrode Business University in the Netherlands, concluded that they \u201cdid not have any findings suggesting that people who practice BDSM have a damaged psychological profile or have some sort of psychopathology or personality disorder.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Further, he\u2019s not sure why BDSM practitioners might score better on certain qualities associated with better mental health but suggests to Live Science<\/a>, that \u201cthey tend to be more aware of their sexual needs and desires (\u2026) which could translate to less frustration in bed and in relationships. Coming to terms with their unusual sexual predilections and choosing to live the BDSM lifestyle may also take hard psychological work that translates to positive mental health.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since the conclusion of this study in 2013, The American Psychiatric Association<\/a> has officially depathologized<\/em> kinky sex\u200a\u2014\u200aincluding cross-dressing, fetishism, and BDSM, in the publication of the fifth edition of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\n

It seems apparent that an attraction to BDSM and related activities does not stem from<\/em> negative emotions or experiences, but rather that it can be an avenue through which to confront them, and more importantly, ourselves. Could the reasons why practitioners seem to score high on mental tests be that they\u2019re more apt at dealing with our issues rather than suppressing them?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In his essay, Shame\u200a\u2014\u200aa Road to Humiliation<\/a>, bondage teacher and conscious kinkster Andy Buru writes about confronting shame through humiliation in BDSM and how doing so can aid us in altering our egos to become more humble.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Buru goes on to link the words humble<\/em> and humiliation<\/em>. We know humble<\/em><\/a> as the state of not being proud or arrogant, but rather to be modest. And while the word has some negative connotations too, such as having feelings of insignificance and inferiority, we generally equate being humble to being courteously respectful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The word humiliation<\/em><\/a>\u2014<\/em>though it has a more uncomfortable association for most of us\u2014simply means to make humble.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHumiliation is the abasement of pride, which creates mortification or leads to a state of being humbled,\u201d says Buru, \u201cwe want to be humble, and therefore we want to feel humiliation.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By recognizing and admitting our shame<\/a>, which is defined as \u201cthe painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, or ridiculous\u201d we can get to a place of peace. If we go even further and surrender to them by acting them out we can break down the intellectual walls that help us challenge our egos:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most of us are not aware of what we are ashamed of. This is because our ego is doing its best to protect ourselves and therefore itself. Emotional and intellectual walls are built to avoid the things that make us ashamed, vulnerable and enable us to surrender. Intellectual walls make us physically avoid or intellectually dismiss things that might challenge our ego.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The concept and role of the ego are much discussed in our ego-centered society that has given rise to plenty of psychological disorders related to the lack of a healthy ego.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Opposites of that, we see calls to kill the ego<\/em>; smash it, demolish it, or eradicate it. But, the fact of the matter is that the word ego<\/em> is Greek and simply means I, <\/em>referring <\/em>to our core sense of self. <\/em>We need it to survive, and thus, we don\u2019t want to kill <\/em>but maintain a balanced expression of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An underdeveloped ego is just as harmful as an inflated one, where the first is associated with a lack of strength and resistance resulting in sticking mainly with what feels comfortable and avoiding challenging situations. The latter is associated with a lack of empathy, dissatisfaction and always wanting more, an obsession with being right and needing constant recognition. Both of these are, in fact, results of fears and insecurities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cParadoxically, the bigger the ego<\/em> one has, the weaker their ego-strength.<\/em> In turn, the weaker the ego-strength, the more rigid the refusal to feel and to process the painful feelings, beliefs, and thoughts that are essential to break free of stuck places, which can put life on hold,\u201d writes Psych Central.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, what are the traits of someone with a healthy ego?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

People with strong egos tend to take a learning approach to life that increasingly grows their strength and confidence. They have the ability to tolerate discomfort enough to regulate their emotions, and approach life with curiosity and readiness to explore and to master what strengthens them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Further, they don\u2019t personalize what others say or do and exude an overall confidence in self and others. (source<\/a>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is anyone else seeing the obvious similarities between these and the positive traits found in BDSM practitioners Wismeijer\u2019s test?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

To connect all of this, someone with a strong and healthy ego is also someone who is humble; they are not proud or arrogant, but modest and respectful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n
\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
\n

Humiliation, a way to make humble<\/em>, is at the essence of BDSM, which practices encourage its practitioners to face their shames, surrender to them, and act them out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Though everyone\u2019s social conditioning is different, let\u2019s think of the shame associated with letting go and relinquishing control. For many modern women who identify as strong, independent, and feminist, there\u2019s taboo and shame associated with desiring to submit sexually; we\u2019re not supposed to<\/em> want that. Men who submit, on the other hand, have their own sets of stigmas to confront related to expectations around masculinity. Stereotypically, the man takes the active role; as the doer and the one who penetrates. Reconciling the urges to do the opposite can conjure enormous amounts of shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the other end, there\u2019s shame associated with desiring to dominate or cause pain; with confronting our own darkness and acting against what is socially acceptable.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

To answer my friend\u2019s question; my traumas didn\u2019t lead me here. My own willingness and courage to face them did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We all carry some kind of guilt and shame. Through humiliation, in its endless forms, be it verbal, emotional, or physical, through insults, worship, confinement, impact play, or other, we confront these and allow ourselves to be made humble.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In doing so, we can find ways to break down the walls created in order to protect the ego, in order to form a strong and healthy sense of self.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sincerely,<\/p>

Ena Dahl | Writer for SPNKD<\/p>Multidimensional creatrix & muse
seeking to unite sexuality & spirituality,
instigate alchemical healing & ignite the wild (wo)man <\/strong>
enadahl.com<\/a><\/cite><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u2014 So, what kind of screwed up childhood experiences brought you here? A friend in the BDSM scene asked me this question, with a wink, as we were getting to know each other a few years back. \u2014 Ha! I laughed back at him while knowing there was a layer of seriousness to his question. Are you suggesting […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":586,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1325","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog-fr"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nThe Ego, Shame & BDSM - SPNKD<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/spnkd.com\/fr\/your-pain-my-pleasure-4\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"fr_FR\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Ego, Shame & BDSM - SPNKD\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"\u2014 So, what kind of screwed up childhood experiences brought you here? 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