Scene negotiation can be many things, but it should never, ever<\/em> be boring. You\u2019re discussing your wants with a play partner, and if other articles I\u2019ve written<\/a> are any indicator, communication is hot.<\/em> So why is this scene so\u2026not?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s talk about what exactly we are attempting to do with scene negotiation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. We\u2019re informing our play partner of any important limits we may have, whether they be medical, psychological, or just plain nuh-uh<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. We\u2019re learning about our partner\u2019s limits, within all the same considerations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. We\u2019re expressing what we would enjoy experiencing in play.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 4. We\u2019re learning what our partner would enjoy in play.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 5. We\u2019re making a plan in case things go wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Whoa, whoa, that\u2019s it? But there\u2019s so much more to discuss than that!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Yes, and no. All the information that we need is in those five pieces of discussion. The nitty-gritty details can be included in this list, they\u2019re simply contained in the framework of the criteria.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jay Wiseman, a man who knows his way around negotiation<\/a>, breaks this system down in a much longer form that, for him, is still self-described as needing only five to ten minutes. His system is still a 16 point checklist that requires an entire mnemonic to remember. There are guides all over the internet<\/a> from experienced players on what<\/em> to negotiate, and they are all worth a look. My personal favorite<\/a>, written by Cross of Colorado CAL, breaks down negotiation topics with the much less verbose mnemonic; LIMITS<\/em> \u2014 logistics, individual roles, marks\/lasting effects, injuries\/illness, triggers\/psychological considerations, and safety\/safewords.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even though many guides are willing to tell you the what<\/em>, we don\u2019t often delve into the how<\/em>, and that\u2019s often where I find success in my scenes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The number of times people have come to me to negotiate and started out the gate with, I don\u2019t do blood or needles,<\/em> has been jarring. A quick scan of my Fetlife profile will give an understandable reason why \u2014 most of my pictures are bloody or have something shoved into my skin somewhere. I enjoy it greatly, but it\u2019s not the only way I play.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Already, the idea that we have to find out exactly what we must exclude from play feels like I\u2019ll forever be treading on the eggshells of another\u2019s hard limits. There are good reasons to cite hard limits<\/em> \u2014 in the throes of something hot, one may accidentally do something they find sexy that triggers another person and shuts off the scene entirely. This has happened to me before, and others I know as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, I\u2019ve found that I\u2019ve had a 100% success rate negotiating scenes where my partner and I have discussed the things we\u2019re excited to try first<\/em>, and find the intersections of our excitement before<\/em> we listed the hard limits. The key was that we were both holding these intersections in our minds as we played, and we didn\u2019t feel the need to stray outside of them<\/em>. Why push the limits when we already knew what would make a streamlined scene between two people? We would become so engrossed in what we were doing, we didn\u2019t feel the need to add anything on top of that. And that\u2019s ok.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n In the instances where we couldn\u2019t hold all that information at once, we used a whiteboard system. Hard limits were written on the board under our names, and a glance was the only reminder we needed to make sure we weren\u2019t about to cross a line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Inclusivity also builds the idea that the play is sexy and wanted, rather than the feeling that you\u2019re about to enter a precarious situation. Would you rather your partner be hot and bothered for what you\u2019re about to do, or nervous about all the lines they could potentially cross with you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n I am not saying that you should not discuss hard limits or be concerned about crossing the limits of your partner.<\/em> Of course, <\/strong>you should be discussing these things, but, the tone and emphasis can make a great deal of impact on how<\/em>you negotiate, and that can carry over into how you play.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ok, I know. This one\u2019s hard.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Not only that, this is a highly difficult subject to discuss without treading on someone\u2019s toes. When a person feels violated, that\u2019s a horrible and awful feeling that can be all-encompassing. All too often, in a BDSM scenario, it can feel world-shattering. Nobody\u2014and I mean nobody\u2014<\/em>deserves to feel that way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, in our most raw moments, we should consider what oops <\/em>can mean and what a consent violation <\/em>truly looks like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n An obvious oops<\/em> could be something like a chip in a glass dildo (ouch!) or a mismanaged suspension line (happens to the best of us). There\u2019s a clear disruption of flow in the play when these kinds of things happen, and once they\u2019re addressed, they can be resolved in the scene. It can also look like the forgetting of a personal limit, but respecting the safeword once it\u2019s become clear that they\u2019ve strayed into the wrong territory and checking in afterward.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A clear consent violation is an ignoring of a safeword, blatant use of hard limits directly after discussing them, or a repeat offense after having addressed it before.<\/strong> Any person that does this is a danger to others. A fast way to drain my faith in somebody is to hear them defend an action that clearly hurt another person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Unfortunately, not all play is so clear. We may stray into realms of non-negotiated play, or push through a moment of discomfort that walks the line of our limits. A moment of negligence may end up in a scene going badly, and the negligence can be borne of anything from absent-mindedness to ego. Consensual non-consent and edge play can directly utilize<\/em> this discomfort, this toeing of the line. Sometimes the divide between a perfect scene and a disaster is razor-thin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So where can we find the mental balance to accept oops<\/em> and reject danger?<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. Be open-minded that people can be sloppy out of nervousness, forgetfulness, or newness, and know that communication is your best tool to counter that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. Mitigate uncertain scenarios by eliminating all edgeplay with newer partners, and utilize inclusive<\/em> negotiations \u2014 stick with the things you know you want rather than what you may want!<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. Try the stoplight system \u2014 instead of just a safeword, have a yellow<\/em> or slow-down-word<\/em> as well to keep people from straying too far into play you\u2019re not comfortable with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 4. Always do a post scene check-in, but go one step further \u2014 do a one-week-later check-in and see how both parties feel then.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 5. Recognize the behavior of somebody who may not own up to mistakes \u2014 defensiveness, an overreaching of their skill in play, and a constant rotation of new play partners.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If something does go wrong, schedule a time to sit and talk about it in a safe space. A responsible play partner will always be grateful for an opportunity to learn from their mistakes and will genuinely care about your well-being in the process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m guilty of this one, 1000%!<\/p>\n\n\n\n SO many times have I imagined a perfectly placed flesh-hook, a beautifully timed slap, a lovely lifting of the chin and staring in the eyes\u2026it goes on and on. We are playing to our fantasies, and we want them fulfilled to whatever extent we can. Otherwise, why are we even here?<\/p>\n\n\n\n The truth is, some of the hottest play I\u2019ve ever engaged in is when I dropped my perfect image of the scene I\u2019d cooked up with my play partner and just let things flow, with zero expectations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We\u2019re prone to expectations, and while they can be good, there\u2019s something wondrous about setting a playdate with somebody whom you know and having no idea what they\u2019ll do to you\u2014or being spontaneous in what you\u2019ll do to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Further, this opens an experimental mindset; one where oops<\/em> can become oooh!<\/em> in no time flat. When I trust myself to assert my boundaries within a scene, it allows for spontaneity, and a good portion of the time I wind up discovering something new about myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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\n\n\n\nBe experience inclusive rather than experience exclusive<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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\n\n\n\nKnow the difference between \u2018oops\u2019 and \u2018consent violation\u2019<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
We are humans, we are messy, and we are far from perfect.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\nLet go of your expectations for your \u2018perfect scene\u2019<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n